OpenSimWorld is the directory of 3D Virtual Worlds based on OpenSimulator and connected through the HyperGrid. Learn More
New Members
BethannKnight, Nhacaiuytingarden, Kevinlevin, Mark Webber, Elkindaza, Lexii, Kingzaraza, Carolinejoe, Bailitufu, Danisun, EneroMetaverso, Dannysage, Alexfar, DJEaglePalmer, Yselle, Zeraphel, Rarity, KeKewirsing, DaisyMayFlower, ChalkstaLikes
How, when and where to mention your real-life gender
So now we've recently had quite some drama about a crossplayer. Someone who uses at least one avatar whose gender isn't his own.
Being tricked into virtual sex and then ghosted if you were hoping for something permanent is one thing. The sudden discovery of avatars who are NOT the virtual representations of real-life people but completely unrelated to their users is another thing.
The biggest issue seems to be avatars with genders different from their users'. Or rather, people not knowing that this smouldering hot lady is a GIRL (Guy In Real Life). From this, demands arose that all cross-playing avatars shall inform people that they're cross-playing avatars. Some may even demand a total ban on cross-playing.
On the other hand, there are users whose avatars aren't them, and who want to keep their real lives as secret as possible. They also don't want to know anything about the users behind other avatars, especially not without asking first. OpenSim is a role-play to them, and real life breaks immersion.
Now, the question is: What'd be the best practice then?
Keeping it secret may end up in awkward situations with avatars that are virtual representations of their real-life users instead of fictional role-play characters. Blurting it out without being asked (female avatar arriving at a party: "Hi, I'm a cishet guy in real life!") leaves a lot of people with TMI (Too Much Information).
But there actually is a standard place for real-life information. And your real-life gender is exactly that, real-life information. That place is in your avatar profile.
No, not the "2nd life" page, the first page you see when you open your profile or someone else's. That page is exclusively for in-world information about your avatar.
The place for real-life information about you is on the "1st life" page. That and only that is also where a real-life photograph of you should go if you absolutely have to have one in our avatar profile. And that's the right place to tell people about your real-life gender.
A big advantage of this is that people who check your profile because they're interested in your avatar but not in your real life won't have real-life information about you slapped into their faces. The "1st life" page is not the first thing you see when looking at someone's profile.
Granted, this practice isn't perfect. There are people who find it inconvenient to have to navigate through a profile, and who demand all information they want to know be served to them on a silver platter, i.e. on the very first profile page. Others don't want to read profiles at all (or anything, in fact), they want male crossplayers with female avatars to tell them right away that they're guys in real life without themselves asking for it. The real-life information they want to know would be readily available to them, they just can't be bothered to look it up.
But I guess there are also people who don't want to see any real-life information in avatar profiles, who don't even want to accidentally stumble upon it by clicking on the wrong tab, because they don't want to know anything about the real-life people behind avatars, at least not more than necessary.
Stil, going this "official" way should be good enough for most people.
Being tricked into virtual sex and then ghosted if you were hoping for something permanent is one thing. The sudden discovery of avatars who are NOT the virtual representations of real-life people but completely unrelated to their users is another thing.
The biggest issue seems to be avatars with genders different from their users'. Or rather, people not knowing that this smouldering hot lady is a GIRL (Guy In Real Life). From this, demands arose that all cross-playing avatars shall inform people that they're cross-playing avatars. Some may even demand a total ban on cross-playing.
On the other hand, there are users whose avatars aren't them, and who want to keep their real lives as secret as possible. They also don't want to know anything about the users behind other avatars, especially not without asking first. OpenSim is a role-play to them, and real life breaks immersion.
Now, the question is: What'd be the best practice then?
Keeping it secret may end up in awkward situations with avatars that are virtual representations of their real-life users instead of fictional role-play characters. Blurting it out without being asked (female avatar arriving at a party: "Hi, I'm a cishet guy in real life!") leaves a lot of people with TMI (Too Much Information).
But there actually is a standard place for real-life information. And your real-life gender is exactly that, real-life information. That place is in your avatar profile.
No, not the "2nd life" page, the first page you see when you open your profile or someone else's. That page is exclusively for in-world information about your avatar.
The place for real-life information about you is on the "1st life" page. That and only that is also where a real-life photograph of you should go if you absolutely have to have one in our avatar profile. And that's the right place to tell people about your real-life gender.
A big advantage of this is that people who check your profile because they're interested in your avatar but not in your real life won't have real-life information about you slapped into their faces. The "1st life" page is not the first thing you see when looking at someone's profile.
Granted, this practice isn't perfect. There are people who find it inconvenient to have to navigate through a profile, and who demand all information they want to know be served to them on a silver platter, i.e. on the very first profile page. Others don't want to read profiles at all (or anything, in fact), they want male crossplayers with female avatars to tell them right away that they're guys in real life without themselves asking for it. The real-life information they want to know would be readily available to them, they just can't be bothered to look it up.
But I guess there are also people who don't want to see any real-life information in avatar profiles, who don't even want to accidentally stumble upon it by clicking on the wrong tab, because they don't want to know anything about the real-life people behind avatars, at least not more than necessary.
Stil, going this "official" way should be good enough for most people.
Liked by: 
Comments
The people who need to read profiles, don't. I'm referring specifically to the rules of interaction some people list in the 2nd Life profile. However, there are people who read profiles all too well. Stalkers. They do so to gather info they can use to stalk you in and out of OS. Any RL info, including your gender, can be used by a stalker to their advantage. So, when someone insists on voice verification, I think: stalker. (And the fact is that stalkers can be male or female in RL).
Here's some good advice about how to protect yourself from stalkers in the virtual and real world.
https://railsramblings.blogspot.com/2013/02/dealing-with-s...
like(1)
Here's some good advice about how to protect yourself from stalkers in the virtual and real world.
https://railsramblings.blogspot.com/2013/02/dealing-with-s...
Maybe you haven't read about the Devarious incident yet. https://opensimworld.com/post/92753
In brief: Someone goes around the Hypergrid, meeting people and getting RL information about them, mostly their likes and dislikes, preferably from those whose avatar has the same gender as themselves. Then this person makes a tailor-made avatar that claims to have the same likes and dislikes with the purpose of having virtual sex with them. If they're male, the avatar is female, if they're female, the avatar is male. So half of the time, the user poses as the "wrong" gender.
This opened up a can of worms.
Issue #1: the trickery.
Issue #2: the sudden discovery by some users that not all OpenSim avatars are direct virtual representations of their real-life users, only better-looking. That some are fictional characters that are fully detached from their users. Some people still seem to stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that these exist because they themselves don't use OpenSim this way.
Issue #3: cross-playing. Particularly, avatars with a different gender than their users who "keep it secret" (don't reveal it right away). After all, Cyberglo believes he has had sex with what he thought to be a woman and what actually is a man IRL. From this arose that avatars in OpenSim should reveal their users' gender. GlennXpletive even demanded mandatory voice verify, at least for relationships. This may extend to casual sex because some people try to non-consensually get a relationship out of each casual fuck.
My post addresses issue #3. So it isn't about spreading out your whole RL in the profiles of all your alts, male and female, but letting people know in the profile of your female alt that you're a guy IRL, letting them know before it's too late.
like(1)
In brief: Someone goes around the Hypergrid, meeting people and getting RL information about them, mostly their likes and dislikes, preferably from those whose avatar has the same gender as themselves. Then this person makes a tailor-made avatar that claims to have the same likes and dislikes with the purpose of having virtual sex with them. If they're male, the avatar is female, if they're female, the avatar is male. So half of the time, the user poses as the "wrong" gender.
This opened up a can of worms.
Issue #1: the trickery.
Issue #2: the sudden discovery by some users that not all OpenSim avatars are direct virtual representations of their real-life users, only better-looking. That some are fictional characters that are fully detached from their users. Some people still seem to stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that these exist because they themselves don't use OpenSim this way.
Issue #3: cross-playing. Particularly, avatars with a different gender than their users who "keep it secret" (don't reveal it right away). After all, Cyberglo believes he has had sex with what he thought to be a woman and what actually is a man IRL. From this arose that avatars in OpenSim should reveal their users' gender. GlennXpletive even demanded mandatory voice verify, at least for relationships. This may extend to casual sex because some people try to non-consensually get a relationship out of each casual fuck.
My post addresses issue #3. So it isn't about spreading out your whole RL in the profiles of all your alts, male and female, but letting people know in the profile of your female alt that you're a guy IRL, letting them know before it's too late.
I did read that post and I thought it was a joke, then reading the reaction of others I realised they were serious and I decided to take refuge in my sim's page and don't read the main timeline for a while.
My posture doesn't change: for your own security never disclose RL data. I had to deal first hand issues with stalkers (not related to OS, what happened was way before that) and that taught me the lesson the hard way.
I don't play romance here, you can't know a person enough to trust them and (IMO) if you do against all odds what you get is a very stressful situation of long distance relationships.
Honestly I don't see the problem with that person Cyberglo talk about, worse case scenario that person has no life and need counseling, but s/he can't be blamed to toy with the real emotions of the "victims", planting emotions into a bunch of pixels is never a good idea. You can, (again IMO) however, make friends here, you can reach others in a significant way given the limitations of the media but it would be unwise to pretend such limitations aren't real.
like(0)
My posture doesn't change: for your own security never disclose RL data. I had to deal first hand issues with stalkers (not related to OS, what happened was way before that) and that taught me the lesson the hard way.
I don't play romance here, you can't know a person enough to trust them and (IMO) if you do against all odds what you get is a very stressful situation of long distance relationships.
Honestly I don't see the problem with that person Cyberglo talk about, worse case scenario that person has no life and need counseling, but s/he can't be blamed to toy with the real emotions of the "victims", planting emotions into a bunch of pixels is never a good idea. You can, (again IMO) however, make friends here, you can reach others in a significant way given the limitations of the media but it would be unwise to pretend such limitations aren't real.
If you're a character-centric user whose avatar is a fictional character only loosely related to you, and if you manage to see other avatars the same way, there isn't a problem.
If, however, you're a user-centric user whose avatar IS you, and if you believe that all other avatars ARE their users, that's where trouble starts.
Devarious' tactics worked so perfectly that the users behind the avatars he targetted saw a soulmate whatever person Devarious implied to be behind his tailor-made avatar, and they fell in love. He wanted casual sex between a digital avatar and another digital avatar. But he made his victims want a real-life relationship with a real-life person that only existed in his fantasy and their minds, whether or not that was part of his plan.
I guess my experiences are different from yours. A female alt of mine once had a run-in with a guy who, within mere seconds of beholding her and before even talking to her, was lovestruck head over heels. Completely and utterly smitten. Totally lost cause. Game over. Back then, however, I thought at first he was only playing, just like I was only playing. It started dawning on me that he wasn't when he started nagging her about her RL and wanted her to spread it out in front of him. She refused to tell him anything for good reasons. They had sex, he was the happiest avatar on the entire Hypergrid, and afterwards, he still kept on nagging.
From my POV, my avatar had virtual sex with his avatar, much like two characters in a visual novel have sex, only interactive. From his POV, however, his RL self had cybersex with the RL woman he imagined behing behind my alt by means of OpenSim avatars.
The correct reaction would have been to ghost him and steer clear of him, even if that meant leaving that avatar offline for two or three weeks or so, long enough for her not to lose her dwelling-place. But in order to break his total obsession, she told him one thing and only one thing about her RL the next day, namely that she's a guy IRL. That guy had been absolutely certain to the point of "knowing" that she can only be a RL woman, so this came very unexpected. He was completely shattered and devastated and disgusted afterwards. He actually believed at first I had tricked him into gay sex. And he demanded she make it clear to everyone that she's a guy IRL.
I decided to follow his advice and added such a note in her profile on the "1st life" page. Only her RL gender, nothing more. And that was to fend at least some of the guys off who'd otherwise obsess over her just like he did.
Turned out, however, it does nothing against those guys who don't want to read anything. She had an encounter with one of these as well. This time, she refused to tell him a word, and he couldn't be bothered to read her profile. When they parted, he still "knew" there's a woman behind her. Ghosting him was the only way to get rid of him. Fortunately, he had laid out his own RL before her to such details that she knew exactly when he'd be on.
I think she has even toned down that note meanwhile. But it should still serve somewhat well keeping "my avatar is me, and all other avatars are the people behind them" guys at a distance before they start obsessing over her and fantasising about there being a RL woman behind her.
like(0)
If, however, you're a user-centric user whose avatar IS you, and if you believe that all other avatars ARE their users, that's where trouble starts.
Devarious' tactics worked so perfectly that the users behind the avatars he targetted saw a soulmate whatever person Devarious implied to be behind his tailor-made avatar, and they fell in love. He wanted casual sex between a digital avatar and another digital avatar. But he made his victims want a real-life relationship with a real-life person that only existed in his fantasy and their minds, whether or not that was part of his plan.
I guess my experiences are different from yours. A female alt of mine once had a run-in with a guy who, within mere seconds of beholding her and before even talking to her, was lovestruck head over heels. Completely and utterly smitten. Totally lost cause. Game over. Back then, however, I thought at first he was only playing, just like I was only playing. It started dawning on me that he wasn't when he started nagging her about her RL and wanted her to spread it out in front of him. She refused to tell him anything for good reasons. They had sex, he was the happiest avatar on the entire Hypergrid, and afterwards, he still kept on nagging.
From my POV, my avatar had virtual sex with his avatar, much like two characters in a visual novel have sex, only interactive. From his POV, however, his RL self had cybersex with the RL woman he imagined behing behind my alt by means of OpenSim avatars.
The correct reaction would have been to ghost him and steer clear of him, even if that meant leaving that avatar offline for two or three weeks or so, long enough for her not to lose her dwelling-place. But in order to break his total obsession, she told him one thing and only one thing about her RL the next day, namely that she's a guy IRL. That guy had been absolutely certain to the point of "knowing" that she can only be a RL woman, so this came very unexpected. He was completely shattered and devastated and disgusted afterwards. He actually believed at first I had tricked him into gay sex. And he demanded she make it clear to everyone that she's a guy IRL.
I decided to follow his advice and added such a note in her profile on the "1st life" page. Only her RL gender, nothing more. And that was to fend at least some of the guys off who'd otherwise obsess over her just like he did.
Turned out, however, it does nothing against those guys who don't want to read anything. She had an encounter with one of these as well. This time, she refused to tell him a word, and he couldn't be bothered to read her profile. When they parted, he still "knew" there's a woman behind her. Ghosting him was the only way to get rid of him. Fortunately, he had laid out his own RL before her to such details that she knew exactly when he'd be on.
I think she has even toned down that note meanwhile. But it should still serve somewhat well keeping "my avatar is me, and all other avatars are the people behind them" guys at a distance before they start obsessing over her and fantasising about there being a RL woman behind her.
While I'm agree with your idea of character/player centric type of person I'm certainly convinced it's not that binary, it's a whole gradient of behaviours and it's not always by choice in the sense sometimes security comes first.
About your example, is that valid? I think a person can't fall "in love" by seeing an avatar in such short period of time, that sounds more like someone obsessing than falling in love. Another can of worms completely.
I understand your point though, warn others with a tad of RL to allow them to make a proper informed choice. Personally another valid alternative is not involve yourself into "romance" of any kind in world, you can get better visuals in other places and have a meaningful personal connection with friends in world.
The only thing that seriously puzzles me about that person Cyberglo described is why would make so much effort to convince people s/he was the perfect match, perhaps his/her kink was independent of the รง"victim" but more the process of investigate and transforming his/herself into the ideal of such person, if that's the case.... it sounds exhausting.
like(0)
About your example, is that valid? I think a person can't fall "in love" by seeing an avatar in such short period of time, that sounds more like someone obsessing than falling in love. Another can of worms completely.
I understand your point though, warn others with a tad of RL to allow them to make a proper informed choice. Personally another valid alternative is not involve yourself into "romance" of any kind in world, you can get better visuals in other places and have a meaningful personal connection with friends in world.
The only thing that seriously puzzles me about that person Cyberglo described is why would make so much effort to convince people s/he was the perfect match, perhaps his/her kink was independent of the รง"victim" but more the process of investigate and transforming his/herself into the ideal of such person, if that's the case.... it sounds exhausting.