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I have a project coming out for public beta test soon and I thought that now would probably be a good time to share 10 RULES of TECH SUPPORT!
MY PERSONAL TECH SUPPORT RULES ANYWAY.
(Please Read Before Speaking)
Rule one: the computer did exactly what you told it to do, not what you meant. It is not psychic. It is not creative. It is aggressively literal and has no emotional attachments to you..
Rule two: the documentation exists for a reason. Skipping it and asking for help is like ignoring the map, driving into a lake, and calling to complain about the water.
Rule three: “It doesn’t work” is not useful information. That is a feeling. Feelings are valid. They are not diagnostic.
Rule four: when I am explaining something, this is not a discussion. This is the part where you stop talking and listen. Questions are welcome after the explanation, not during the sentence you interrupted.
Rule five: something changed. It always does. The system did not wake up this morning and choose chaos. You, time, or physics touched it. Figure out which.
Rule six: support cannot fix what you refuse to describe. If you changed something “small” and didn’t mention it, congratulations—you have just doubled the troubleshooting time.
Rule seven: urgency does not make you right. Saying “this is critical” does not rewrite reality; it just raises everyone’s blood pressure.
Rule eight: software does not include common sense. That must be provided by the user. If a warning says “don’t do this” and you do it anyway, the outcome is not mysterious.
Rule nine: if you ignore instructions, you own the result. This is not punishment. This is cause and effect.
Rule ten: If the source code tells you not to do something, there is a valid reason. Disobey at your own peril.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Please RTFM again.
MY PERSONAL TECH SUPPORT RULES ANYWAY.
(Please Read Before Speaking)
Rule one: the computer did exactly what you told it to do, not what you meant. It is not psychic. It is not creative. It is aggressively literal and has no emotional attachments to you..
Rule two: the documentation exists for a reason. Skipping it and asking for help is like ignoring the map, driving into a lake, and calling to complain about the water.
Rule three: “It doesn’t work” is not useful information. That is a feeling. Feelings are valid. They are not diagnostic.
Rule four: when I am explaining something, this is not a discussion. This is the part where you stop talking and listen. Questions are welcome after the explanation, not during the sentence you interrupted.
Rule five: something changed. It always does. The system did not wake up this morning and choose chaos. You, time, or physics touched it. Figure out which.
Rule six: support cannot fix what you refuse to describe. If you changed something “small” and didn’t mention it, congratulations—you have just doubled the troubleshooting time.
Rule seven: urgency does not make you right. Saying “this is critical” does not rewrite reality; it just raises everyone’s blood pressure.
Rule eight: software does not include common sense. That must be provided by the user. If a warning says “don’t do this” and you do it anyway, the outcome is not mysterious.
Rule nine: if you ignore instructions, you own the result. This is not punishment. This is cause and effect.
Rule ten: If the source code tells you not to do something, there is a valid reason. Disobey at your own peril.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Please RTFM again.
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I was temping doing tech support for a major corporation. One guy expected to get hands-on help faster than we were able, if it were necessary at all. He said, "I work for Mr. Muckity Muckitymuck. Do you know him?" Sure buddy, I know each and every one of the corporation's 67,500 employees in the city. That's going to make sure that we work, um, slower for you, you clueless entitled fuck...
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You forgot: Did you create a ticket? No? Create one. Yes? Wait in line, just like everybody else. ;-)
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